My Best Friends have Fangs
by Trialmasta
Summary: The snake harry freed at the zoo bit him to mark him as a friend to snakes. Working in the garden after Diagon Alley a snake explains a little bit about pact magic. With a host of creatures calling him friend Harry makes his way through Hogwarts. Ravenclaw!harry, competent!teachers, good!Dumbledore. cynical humor
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: If you recognize something I don't own it. For the most part JKR owns that. And I don't make any money here.

"oww!" that snake just bit me.

Well that was rude. I just somehow made the glass on his prison disappear and I get bitten in thanks. Rude!

Now some might be wondering what is going on that I'm blaming a snake for biting me in thanks. Well that's going to require a bit of explaining. To start with, why am I, harry james potter, in close proximity to a snake? I just so happened to have the dubious honor of being dragged along on my cousin, Dudley 'the whale' Dursley's, birthday outing to the zoo. I (un)fortunately, couldn't get dumped on Mrs. I-have-too-many-cats figs, so I get to be the extra shadow on this journey through the controlled jungle of the zoo.

While there and visiting the reptile house I wandered off to the side to commiserate with the scaly scoundrels. Then when a particularly lonely and caged feeling fiend is about to eat his lunch, I get shoved to the side like a piece of useless baggage. When I have recovered my facilities enough to be annoyed and just disoriented 'the whale' is pestering the serpent I just chatting with. I just wish it could be him in there eating a mouse and that snake. Maybe the world would be just slightly less irritating if was caged and displayed, rather than entitled and strutting.

Unfortunately, I have this rather nasty habit of fantasy occasionally becoming reality around me and now there's a snake biting my arm and leaving. And my cousin is in the cage with a mouse hanging out of his mouth.

Not my best moment.

-Break

On the morning after completing my ungodly punishment chores, I somehow find myself receiving a letter oddly addressed to my cupboard and no stamp. I really dislike the person addressing this. No stamp so it had to have been hand delivered and its addressed to the cupboard under the stairs. If any half-decent person read this, let alone wrote it, they'd realize that this is a bad situation and report it to the police. But no, I just somehow have to get shoved back into the cupboard and punished because I'm caught in the possession of some asshole's prank.

-break

It would be amusing to watch the chaotic rain of letters if I wasn't the target and thus to blame. So for the past few days we've received more of these proclamations of compliance at an exponentially increasing pace. All culminating in the aforementioned 'chaotic rain of letters'. Unfortunately, I'm somehow to blame for their appearance and not allowed to open them, so I have to suffer increased screaming for imagined slights, not to mention all the excessive glaring.

Reprieve should be coming though because it appears were on a road trip. Just no destination in mind.

-break

And I just had to jinx it didn't I? At the motel we collapsed at after 10 hours of seemingly aimless driving, the manager was pissed because owls have dropped two trashcans worth of letters addressed to our room number.

Then we had to go for another 12 hours drive to 'lose the bloody birds' in the the words of Vernon 'the walrus' Dursley. Now I'm on the floor, under a threadbare blanket, in a shack on a small island off the coast, in the middle of a storm, on my birthday. Well my dust bunny cake won't blow itself over so here goes.

I blow the motes up into the air sarcasticly wishing for more messed up stuff to happen to me.

*BANG BANG* the door shudders under the knocking

I just had to jinx it didn't I?


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: If you recognize something I don't own it. For the most part JKR owns that. And I don't make any money here.

So my wish came true after all. I get more messed up stuff in my life. Yay me. Turns my parents are secretly war heroes from the magical community right under everyone's nose. They died defending me and it appears I'm famous. Turns out I survived an instant death spell to the face. And destroyed the super powerful caster. At 15 months old. From my crib. Believable right?

Anyway, I'm off to the magical alleyway with the giant man who broke down the door and told me all about this. I'm pretty sure I'm actually on my way to be sold to some band of monsters or other. I mean who else would come up with something this elaborate after effectively signing compliance by addressing the letters to the cupboard under the stairs? And naming a school Hogwarts? Then again it might very well be real considering how outlandish these claims are. They wouldn't be in a human trafficking ring if this is the stuff they come up with as a backstory. I'd give it a coin toss. Heads this is real, tails this is a truly elaborate hoax for a child abduction scheme.

-break

Heads its real.

So we enter into the filthy, dingy bar and talk to the barman with more holes than teeth in his mouth. As soon as he hears my name I get this big show of patrons almost brawling for the chance to shake my hand. We leave after I get introduced to my future defense class teacher into a hole in the wall backroom. After the massive man taps the wall three times the wall collapses, I start to believe this really isn't a truly elaborate hoax.

After passing a few shops, one of which is something owl emporium that gives off a feeling of competition and anticipation, we stop in front of white marble building guarded by creatures that, if I check my fantasy literature index: white hair, grey-green skin, ugly as sin, shorter than human, using old fashion polearms, I'd tentatively say goblin. I'd imagine dwarves having darker hair and less green skin, and gremlins to use technology.

Passing through the ominously marked doors, we approach the counter where the giant man, Hagrid, fishes out an intricate key and passes it along. We are escort to the rail cart where I get to enjoy an incredibly disorienting and nausea inducing trip down the fast lane before we reach my apparent trust vault. These guys use gold coins as currency? Okay. I'm given a bag to scoop them into and I do so with a little extra in my pockets just in case. Then the wheelbarrow ride from the fourth pit of hell drops us off in front of a different vault for Hagrid to grab a grubby package from.

-break

Nightmares and nausea are halted once we've escaped the deeps. First stop? Robes because apparently real wizards require a billowing trail for drama. There I meet a snobby blond who haughtily goes by the name "Malfoy, Draco Malfoy" who I can just tell is going to keep being snobby. However, in my experiences, the snobby ones have two possible placements, the top or the bottom. And given my lesser knowledge I'm not in a position to know. I make polite greetings and let him talk with appropriate hums at the right points. When he asks what house I'll be in, a noncommittal response and let him keep talking. When he finishes talking I give a polite farewell and he leaves without bothering to learn my name.

-break

After I'm fitted for robes I find that Hagrid got me a trunk and books while I was in there. Next I'm directed to the wand shop. The creepiest man I've ever conceived, not met but imagined, measures me all over and reminded heavily of my suspected human trafficking. Then he makes me hold several sticks, tryouts for future molestation, and after blowing a few things up, I am given the most ominous possible tutorial on my holly wand with phoenix feather, apparently my wand is the twin to the one used by my parents killer and dealer of my oldest scar.

I'm so glad to be free of the pedophile who sells sticks to kids. It would seem Hagrid bought the rest of the supplies for school and a beautiful snowy owl for me and we're going to return to privet drive.

-break

Now back to the confines of privet drive, I'm made to work on chores as often as possible to keep me from reading my books. While out in the garden one day a snake approaches and starts a conversation:

"good afternoon." Nodding its head in my direction.

"What's up?" I ask not sure how or why this conversation is happening.

"A speaker too, that does at least partially explain it." The was bobbing its head as if agreeing with itself.

"I'm sorry, what's going on?" I'm well and truly bewildered, I've no idea why this is happening.

"I'm sorry friend, what's not explained?" the head was cocked slightly to the side as if confused.

"I have no idea what your talking about?" with my head cocked similar to him.

"How can you not know you were marked a friend of serpents?"

"Marked? When could I have been mar-…" I trail off remembering my encounter with the snake at the zoo.

"Well that's part out of the way. But the word speaker refers to your ability to understand serpents." At my nod he continues "I came over to suggest you direct snake magic to the plants to help them grow… and why are you looking at me like that?"

I am not sure what my expression was but It must have been fairly weird in the snake was commenting, "and how do you suggest I use snake magic?"

Now the snake was confused, "you just shed a piece of yourself and tell it to work?"

Now I'm mildly annoyed but arguing with a snake isn't going to accomplish anything so, "so if I spit on it and tell it to grow it'll grow?" I'd be very surprised if it works but I try anyway.

I have a feeling I'll regret this.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: If you recognize something I don't own it. For the most part JKR owns that. And I don't make any money here.

I really have to wonder if I should bother questioning this. Because I really should not be surprised when, after following a random snake's advice, the patch which I tried it on is withered and dying the next day. If only that snake were here I'd probably throttle it for suggesting I use magic for something and messed it up when I was trying to help it.

"I'm not sure why you put so much work into something only to poison it, but who am I to point fangs?" the source of my annoyance calmly slithering in really is not what I'd like right now but I just had to jinx it? Yep.

"What do you mean poison it?" I might as well learn from this even if I'd like nothing better than to smash a stone into its head.

"Well you spat on it didn't you? Isn't that usually done it poison something?" the snake is acting confused, but I'm convinced its teasing me. How could it ever show such genuine confusion over something that makes me want a wall to pound my head into? I'm convinced It's sadistic.

"Well how do I heal and grow it?" because I know I'll be in a bad way if my aunt, Petunia 'the horse' Dursley, finds it here.

"You could always try purifying and shedding, but I'm not sure why when its obvious you don't like it."

I raise an eyebrow, "and why do you say it's obvious I don't like it?"

"Well you poisoned it, you obviously don't poison stuff you like?"

I think I've developed a twitch, "And how would I go about purifying and shedding?"

The snake looks a little sheepish, "I'm not sure how to purify, I've been told it can be done but not how… but shedding is easy. Just let go of the old and keep going!"

I've definitely developed a twitch, "what old am I supposed to be letting go of?"

The snake looks incredibly confused, "the skin?"

I'm not banging my head into the ground. The snake said shedding. Snakes shed their skin to grow. As I'm yet to convince that this is that simple I'm not about to cut myself. I could part with other dead growth easier though.

Burying my hair and telling the plant to grow I go about other work.

-Break

I was sincerely hoping it would work. I honestly thought it might have worked with the spit thoroughly killing it. But I just had to do it. And now the weeds are legion while the plant is still dying.

Now I've got the horse watching over my shoulder because everything weird is always somehow my fault. I've just got to finish weeding before august ends so I can go to school and leave here.

"I would've thought you'd be happy with the new ones you obviously want to grow", my fourth least favorite voice intones

I groan into my hands that the snake is back and making my work contradictory. I'm not doing any more magic from him it'll only make it worse. I just give him a brief glare and return to my work.

Apparently, it wasn't brief enough because the horse screeches, "Quit looking around and get back to work! Or you're not getting any sleep tonight before that _school_ of yours starts."

"Yes, Aunt Petunia", is the neutral response I give.

"Why don't you just let your work stay put? I mean its obvious you want these and not the other ones?" I hang my head in exasperation.

Petunia catches the oddity and starts to march over determined to screech into my ear directly but stops when she spots the snake sitting in the grass watching me.

I don't think I've ever seen petunia move so fast as when she grabs the shovel sitting the side and slams it into the snake. The snake that just annoyed me with more problems than I already had. The snake that taught me some magic.

There it lays, mouth open and eyes sightless, unmoving.

A few tears escape me.

I bury the snake in the garden when petunia leaves.

"May the flowers never bloom and the weeds forever spread." I say to the snake now buried within the garden.

Because he was right, I never did enjoy the flowers.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: If you recognize something I don't own it. For the most part JKR owns that. And I don't make any money here.

I just saw someone wearing a lime green shirt, over magenta shorts, with purple suspenders…walk into a wall and disappear.

I guess I know where the train platform is.

Hurrying through the crowd I make my way through the wall also and find an overfull platform with children, teens, adults, frogs, owls, cats and an overabundance of emotion. Between apprehension from the younger children, to excitement from many of the teens, to nervousness and longing all around.

I really have to wonder why my primary emotions are exasperation and happiness.

Moving into the train and finding an empty compartment, I sit down with the charms book and begin to read.

Soon, after the train starts moving, the compartment I'm sitting in gets visited upon by a freckled redhead, one who just seems to ooze greed and jealousy. The door is slammed open and the redhead claims;

"Mind if I sit here? Everywhere else is full." Which I find rather doubtful but plausible. An inclined head in acknowledgement later I'm being introduced to a Ronald Weasley.

"Harry Potter", I state this shortly, attempting to get the message across that I don't want to talk.

" _The_ Harry Potter?" he blurts with a worrisome amount of awe, and just a little too much jealousy, "Do you have the scar?"

"Yes." Wow rude much? The first question I receive is about a scar? And dense if he doesn't get I don't want to talk.

"Can I see it?" The expectance in his tone and feel of annoyance he's letting off is too much, I leave the compartment to find somewhere else.

Walking through the train I look for nervousness and apprehension that would signify another new student, maybe I'll find someone I can stand to be around.

Moving through the train I come across a pair of twins who look foreign. I knock on the door a couple times before poking my head in;

"Do you mind if I sit here? My previous compartment was rudely invaded."

"Oh sure, I don't mind", the one with the embroidery hoop sitting on her lap says

I take a moment to get a better look at the girls, both have the same black hair and mocha skin common in India, one is excited, the other is shy. The excited one is stitching a rather impressive sparrow, while the other is seeming to hide behind our history text.

The silence is awkward for a bit before I introduce myself;

"Hello, Harry Potter nice to meet you miss…?"

"Patil, my name is Pavarti, this is Padma. I've heard your name before… never mind!" she must have seen the uncomfortable look on my face and taken the hint.

"Nice to meet the Misses Patils, please feel free to call me Harry." With a soft smile hoping to diffuse the tension.

"Pavarti", with a nod from the embroidering

"Padma", with a slight lessening of tension in the shoulders

The silence is comfortable now. The only interruptions when come when Pavarti accidently stabs herself.

About 2 hours into the journey we're happened upon again, this time by the blonde, I think it was Draco Malfoy, I met within the robe shop. He knocks briefly before fully opening the door and standing in the portal with two brutes a step back and to the side away, like bodyguards.

"Greetings, my name is Draco Malfoy, of the noble house of Malfoy, and I wish to offer Harry Potter an invitation to speak in another compartment" that somehow sounds all of snobbish, arrogant and magnanimous, while letting off an air of nervousness, loneliness and only a minor tinge of the arrogant tone used.

I shrug and with a 'show me the way', we're off. Down the hall and into another compartment nearer the back of the train.

"Firstly, allow me to apologize for my rude behavior in Madam Malkin's, I didn't realize you were Heir Potter." I groan and he stops to look at me weirdly.

"Please don't be one of those 'the boy-who-lived is here' types, it's getting on my nerves really fast." I say into the palm sitting on my face.

"Okay, Heir Potter, I'll see to it I'm not a fanboy." There is a tinge of amusement is his voice, annoying. But…

"Okay, what's this 'heir potter' business?" it sounds formal but I'm not really sure why I'm being addressed as such.

Draco looks as though he swallowed something unpleasant, "You don't know?"

"No, I don't, I wish people would stop assuming I know everything, when I only found out this wasn't a rather elaborate hoax last month." My exasperated grumblings cease at the calculative glint materializing in Draco's eye.

"I'll have to mail my father for reading materials, but I'd suggest we get together soon and start turning you into a proper Heir for the Noble and Ancient House of Potter." There is a dismissal in the tone and no question in the voice, not to mention a feeling of ambition.

Feeling quite out of it I return the compartment with the Patil twins. When I get questioning looks I return with a shrug.

"I'm not sure."

A/N- The thing about natural Empathy abilities is you don't know they're weird if no one tells you.


End file.
